Chestbursty

Maybe! This is his first time canceling on me but he at least did a decent sick voice so I'll allow it

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Accommodate my delicate masculinity by getting a few of your friends to sing "Tell Him" by The Exciters to me once a day

four cheese, really?
like fourmaggio wasn’t right there

I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .

There was a book in the bookstore titled "How to be Funny". The book next to it was titled "How to Be a Bird".

Hindsight revealing a lifetime of the tism with a heaping side of undiagnosed adhd.

i’m rubber you’re glue bitch

I’ve reached the age which has me asking “how did I get that injury? where did that scab come from? why does that hurt?”

My mid-afternoon appointment got canceled bc the doctor is sick. I honestly love when doctors get sick, it makes me feel better about all the times I need to cancel. If doctors get sick too then maybe I'm not completely worthless

Product testing on an animal but it’s just me reading drafts to my cat

A thing that I have discovered that you don't actually have to do is comment on things that you don't understand.

Ridiculously sweet-faced black lab mix puppy

Goob morning

I quit doing rap battles after I rhymed “spam” with “alakazam.” I knew I couldn’t top that.

Falafel? more like falawsome

She was frightful yet sexy, like a
spaghetti mummy

A big doofy dog runs onto the court with a little tiny barrel around its neck

The same dog looking into the camera with a big sign saying FEED BALOO behind him. He does look hungry

The big doof dog smiling on a basketball court

The Siena Saints are going to the NCAA Tournament…
….
…
And that means BALOO THE SAINT BERNARD IS GOING TO THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS BALOO (and also the basketball players etc)

One of my depression meals is a tub of simply potatoes (any variety) with string cheese chunks stuck in it like cookie dough bites and topped with salt, pepper, sweet chili sauce and half a stick of butter. It's my savory sundae

Bluesky: seeking friends for the end of the world, as a service.

The Indiana Jones movies are a great example of why everybody should invest in and carry a grabber tool for hard to reach things

SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march

SCRIBE: i have an ides

SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good

SCRIBE: *idea

SCRIBE:

SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides

Just so people on bluesky are aware…I was very early bluesky and I very much actively followed every dog account I could find that signed up and now when I open bluesky I basically am given pure dog content straight to the brain stream every time. I am proposing everyone else do this. The end.

Look at me reading complete sentences and driving on the right side of the road.

you don't hear much about wet heaving

Had a kickback on my table saw a couple weeks ago and honestly I’m not sure if I’m dead or not

Brian Wilson: I’m going to need 9 years and this list of musical instruments only made in the mountains of Nepal to create my masterpiece, it’s called Goofy Goo Bananas

umm actually, neutrality means you're choosing the side of the milk hotel

I think I stopped a chain post dead in its tracks. Still got it.

A beatboxer? Nah man - I'm an onomatopoet

We haven’t had a working oven for 2.5 years so asked husband to think about what he might want for birthday dinner while we’re away. We’ll have an oven, I added. PIZZA he said, FROZEN PIZZA.