Chestbursty

it's never too late for a first corn dog

Love to you, my dear friend 🖤❤️

John Lennon once said, “I'm an artist. You give me a fucking tuba, I'll fuck the tuba.” No one knows what he meant.

A halo that’s the shimmer of chitinous wings.

You reveal more about yourself in asking that question than I could ever reveal by answering it.

Starbucks employee: [silently writes “Yew” on cup]

One of my favorite things is when the Android Auto app updates and it breaks my car navigation for a week. Every single time. I don't know how to get home. Guess I'll die here.

Try lying to make your life easier. I'm dead serious, stop fighting pointless battles. How do I know when to lie, and who to? Simple. Is it any of their business? Lie. Are they going to want to argue? Lie. Is this someone you don't respect or like much? LIE ALL DAY AND NIGHT. Fuck em, I'm tired

Branwen, a black and white cat, on the arm of a sofa in a messy living room

Branwen has misunderstood the news and believes that she might get to be on a banknote.

I love how the billionaire-run media now publishes daily articles like: "If You Want Reasonable Prices You Are A Horrible Person Who Hates Freedom"

Maybe! This is his first time canceling on me but he at least did a decent sick voice so I'll allow it

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Accommodate my delicate masculinity by getting a few of your friends to sing "Tell Him" by The Exciters to me once a day

four cheese, really?
like fourmaggio wasn’t right there

I love the smell of bacon in the morning . . . and in the afternoon . . . and in the evening . . . and at midnight . . .

There was a book in the bookstore titled "How to be Funny". The book next to it was titled "How to Be a Bird".

Hindsight revealing a lifetime of the tism with a heaping side of undiagnosed adhd.

i’m rubber you’re glue bitch

I’ve reached the age which has me asking “how did I get that injury? where did that scab come from? why does that hurt?”

My mid-afternoon appointment got canceled bc the doctor is sick. I honestly love when doctors get sick, it makes me feel better about all the times I need to cancel. If doctors get sick too then maybe I'm not completely worthless

Product testing on an animal but it’s just me reading drafts to my cat

A thing that I have discovered that you don't actually have to do is comment on things that you don't understand.

Ridiculously sweet-faced black lab mix puppy

Goob morning

I quit doing rap battles after I rhymed “spam” with “alakazam.” I knew I couldn’t top that.

Falafel? more like falawsome

She was frightful yet sexy, like a
spaghetti mummy

A big doofy dog runs onto the court with a little tiny barrel around its neck

The same dog looking into the camera with a big sign saying FEED BALOO behind him. He does look hungry

The big doof dog smiling on a basketball court

The Siena Saints are going to the NCAA Tournament…
….
…
And that means BALOO THE SAINT BERNARD IS GOING TO THE NCAA TOURNAMENT!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS BALOO (and also the basketball players etc)

One of my depression meals is a tub of simply potatoes (any variety) with string cheese chunks stuck in it like cookie dough bites and topped with salt, pepper, sweet chili sauce and half a stick of butter. It's my savory sundae

Bluesky: seeking friends for the end of the world, as a service.

The Indiana Jones movies are a great example of why everybody should invest in and carry a grabber tool for hard to reach things

SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march

SCRIBE: i have an ides

SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good

SCRIBE: *idea

SCRIBE:

SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides