I’ve been struggling with this for at least a couple weeks and now that I’ve spoken about it with my life recovery small group, my sponsor and my psychotherapist, I’m finally ready to talk about it publicly. When I was told in 2019/2020 that I “needed” surgery (I’m not convinced I truly needed it as I no longer trust the doctor who pressured me into surgery and operated on me), I was given a number of options for which surgery I would have. I laid those options before the Lord and He led me to the surgery that ultimately led to the loss of my physical independence and everything material that I had in this world - my job, my home, my access to my church building, and the ability to come and go as I please and manage my own
affairs. Now that I’m faced with another surgical decision, I want to lay it before Him and let Him choose what I do… but I feel betrayed. Not just by the surgeons. I feel betrayed by God. And I’m angry. I’m PISSED. But at the same time, my relationship with Jesus is the only thing truly sustaining me through this. I never thought I’d have PTSD from trusting God. But now that I have options before me as to how to proceed, I want to give them to God and let Him decide again, but I’m having flashbacks to the last time I let Him decide and the suffering that has resulted since. There’s of course the possibility that
it wasn’t God who led me into this season, but that just calls into question my own ability to discern His direction by way of the Holy Spirit, which feels just as troubling. I know I’ll continue to do what I can to give the Lord control, because that’s the only way I know how to exist anymore. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
#suffering #PTSDsucks #KingdomOfGod #dontgiveup #medicaltrauma
#holiness #joyoftheLord #faithinChrist #narrowpath #righteousness #theGospel #discipleship #sanctification #godliness #refinement #pruning #donotgiveup #enduretotheend #inChrist #relationshipwithGod #abundantlife #uncomfortablegrace
