Selfless // Spent
You lie beside him like a gutted animal.
This needy. This vulnerable. This far gone.
Nothing is as exhausting as opening up,
as making a church of the mess of yourself,
as becoming a light for another.
Ribcage and sanctuary. Shepherding the wayward sheep
back from the storm-clad edge. Him and you
both. Homebound.
You wanted so much to be a morning star
but you’re just the flick of his lighter
with which he immolates you.
You define your worth by how satisfied the hunter is,
how easy the bullet’s job. How small can you make
yourself so you’re not in his way, how fast can you do what he wants.
Now he has rearranged your entrails
to fit more pain inside. But you agree and carry it
even like a crown. Anything, everything
to make him stay; you are out there and dying
just reaching for his hand.
Afterwards, you sob silently behind the bathroom door
as if your sadness was a great secret,
something so dangerous and feral,
you have to keep it hidden and leashed.
Or, worse even, you would be found out, exposed
for the wretched hollow bitch that you are,
a martyr no angel would want.
All you have to offer is the bones of yourself
and isn’t that terrible,
to be so thoroughly you?
All that you are
and were and aspired to be, you have given everything to him.
The myrrh of ruptured spleens and breathless lungs,
the hard gold of marrow. Incense of spit, myth told in freckles
and stretch marks, stuttering. All your unspeakable stories spelled out
scar by never-healed scar.
And yet, he will get up and walk through that door.
And leave, like you’ve never ever happened.
You showed off your best tricks
but you’re still just a dog.
Your hot tears tangle helplessly in his wet hair
like an army of startled fleas.
You stand on the train station platform as it snows.
He kisses you goodbye and it’s like drowning a puppy.
Your teeth clash like barbed wire fences.
He says see you soon and in that moment you know
that there is nothing more cruel
…
For #PoemsAbout #Spent ✨
for @thebrokenspine.co.uk
& @alanparrywriter.co.uk
When you give everything you have but it still isn’t enough.